pure joy = school supplies

Tonight is the eve of the eve of the eve of the eve of school starting....and all I can think about is how freakin excited I am to scrounge through the aisles at Staples for school supplies! I mean what is the deal? Why is buying school supplies so much stinkin fun? It's the smell of new pencils and paper. The glorious look of neat and organized binders that only stay like that for about a week. It's buying a new pen that you swear makes you write more exquisitely. Oh ho hum I cannot wait! And I believe tomorrow will be the day. The day where I put on my old, beat up, squeaky converse that used to be navy blue, my floral Patagonia shorts, a v-neck shirt of some sort, and tote my Nalgene for hydration purposes while I conquer the home of school supplies, the owner of knowledge, the sleek red designed building that is screaming my name...Staples. You know what's funny is that I rarely buy staples at staples. Hm...maybe I will just to give the name some credit tomorrow.

Friday, August 27th shall never be forgotten. It is the day that my education truly begins at San Diego State University. The day I bought my school supplies. Ugh, I can't wait!

PS - I realize I am a huge nerd, but I like it that way. I bet you wish you got joy out of the small things in life too! ;-)

funky town get down!

Funky Town get down! This past weekend was a very bittersweet weekend for me. I went back to Fort Worth to sing at Pi Phi rush and see all my friends along the way. Every time I go back to Fort Worth it is just a very strange and surreal feeing. It's like I never left...but at the same time I don't live there anymore. It is really kind of confusing actually. I normally go back and stay with my old roommates in my old house, except there is someone new in my room and it certainly doesn't look like my chaotic hippie room did before. Actually, the house looks a lot better since I left...haha, maybe I should have left a long time ago. hahaha. (There is still a broken window from me throwing a tennis ball too hard once...oops. I put some duct tape on it....all better!). Anyways, the point is that it is just flat out weird.

I was soooo glad that I was able to go back this past weekend and finish my last rush with my pledge class that I started with at TCU. It was emotional to see everyone crying together and realizing that this is our last rush together (a very good thing and hallelujah moment, but sad at the same time). As I was singing the words to my song "I Love You" all I could do was look at my friends and feel how much I appreciate each and every one of them. Especially when I sang the line, "you're the only one who gets my jokes". It's true! Not many people get my humor I think....quite unfortunate if you ask me. Long story short, I am so thankful that I was able to go back and be with everyone for this moment. It meant a lot to me and I will treasure it forever.

Overall, my weekend in Funky Town was absolutely incredible in so many different ways. I love my friends and no one will ever take the place of them. But now marks a whole new journey for me. I start school in 5 days! Yikes! But I could not be more excited to get going, get a set schedule, and meet new people! The hardest part about this summer has been not having friends...well, I'm ready to make some dang it! Tomorrow I am going to Pi Phi workshops for rush and it will be the weirdest feeling to be at a different chapter. It will be new and exciting, but very strange. I'm hoping that I will meet some awesome friends there and maybe...just maybe there will be a few that are as big of a dork as I am (doubtful...but I can dream. haha).

I still believe in my heart that this move will be a good thing for me and that I did make the right choice. I am big believer that things do happen for a reason and if I wasn't supposed to be doing this than it wouldn't have happened. There are a lot of blessings in disguise about this move and I am excited to see what they are and how they develop over time.

change and trust

"Sometimes an imbalance for love means a balance for life". - Eat, Pray, Love

Tonight I went to go see "Eat, Pray, Love" with some friends and I actually really enjoyed it. I went into it thinking it was just going to be another movie that was talked up way too much, when in reality it was quite informative and made me reflect a lot on myself. There were a lot of things that really hit home for me.

A lot of change has happened for me recently. I just transferred from TCU to SDSU my senior year of college. I just changed majors in December. I moved into a new apartment. And I didn't go to camp for the first time in 13 years. That's a lot of big change if you ask me. Transferring was something I had thought about every semester I was at TCU. I had a lot of frustrations with TCU and eventually got to a point where I was fed up with it. At the same time though, I had made some incredible friends. I don't regret my original decision to go to TCU. I truly think I went there for a reason and that I became a better person while in attendance. I had incredible experiences and a couple teachers that truly influenced me in a great way. I found who I am at TCU and I really don't think that would have happened if I had stayed in California for college. As much as I thrive on being different than other people, I still always felt slightly out of place at TCU and I could never pinpoint what exactly it was that made me feel that way. Deciding to transfer back to California was obviously a huge decision for me. It was risky, but I was up for the challenge. Since I have been back in San Diego a lot of things have indeed fallen into place. I feel better about myself, I love where I live, I love being close to family, a lot of connections and opportunities have opened up for me, and I love the active lifestyle that I didn't get in Fort Worth. But with all that said, this is probably one of the hardest times in my life. It has been a harder change that I honestly thought it would be. I miss my friends in Fort Worth. I miss dance parties in the kitchen. I miss my besties and I hanging out on one of our beds and just talking for hours. I miss getting scared at night and calling Megan or Allie to see if they will come sleep with me. I miss sitting in a baby pool in the backyard with a corona. Heck, I even miss Billy Bobs! There are a lot of things in Fort Worth that I wonder what could have happened. But here I am. In San Diego. Just trusting that I made the right decision and that God is going to open up this whole new life to me that is part of His wise (confusing if you ask me...) plan. It's hard. I'm not going to pretend like it isn't anymore. And I'm going to go ahead and assume that the next few months are going to be the same way. School will start, work will consume, and friends will come. Unless they think I'm some psycho that says y'all (very frowned upon here). Ultimately I came back to CA so I can get my teaching credential here, so that's what I should keep my focus on. I feel like the quote at the top of the page is one that I can relate to many different areas of my life right now. Love for music, love for people, love for learning, love for the outdoors, love for friends, love for family, and hopefully love for someone that's going to steal my heart. I'm seeking all of these things out of love, I am incredibly imbalanced, and it is quite unnerving. But screw life if it's balanced. It's never balanced and it shouldn't be completely balanced. How boring would that be? So I'm reminding myself that this discomfort, confusion, frustration, and doubting can actually in turn be a thriving and thrilling life to live. It's just a matter of seeing through the cloud and trusting that each of the next steps I take have their own purpose. That's all I can do. And hell freakin yea...it's hard. But I'm willing. My theme for the past year has been "day by day". And that is certainly how it is going to stay.

"Sometimes an imbalance for love means a balance for life". - Eat, Pray, Love

Tell your story

So tonight I just decided that I will share some song lyrics with you from Deb Talan. This song is phenomenal and I love the words. I just got a little gadget at the store that says "tell your story" on it and I instantly thought of this song. But i think it's very true. It is important to tell your story. It's what makes us our own. We each have different stories and they make up who we are. So in whatever which way that you want to do it, just tell it. It's important. You're important. And you never know who's going to be touched by your story. More people than you probably would have imagined.

"Tell your story" by Deb Talan

Tell it to the judge, man.
Tell it to your motherless reflection.
In a sock and one shoe
after the great defection
he said, "tell a lie sometimes, tell the truth
when it suits you, and when you've lost your way
tell a story."

Tell your story, tell it, tell it.
Tell your story to anyone who'll listen.
Tell your story, don't stop talking
just tell your story walking.

Listing through Carol Gardens
on the way to Cobble Hill
I stopped by a psychic's dusty, wilted windowsill.
Forgot what she told me, mostly
but I remember one thing she said
"You may slip and call some lousy fuck your friend
but in the end you'll come out even
then, tell your story."

And it's a sorry, frightful thing
when you want to cry, but you can't keep from laughing.
Outside the church that's so quiet it dares you to shout
you put a hand to your mouth to stop the rain.
You do a St. Vitus dance, to the sky you raise your voice.
This is your chance, you have no choice
you tell your story.

music and me

Today I realized something about myself and my music. It had been a long day and I was showing my roommate, Francie, a song that I had recently written titled "Hummingbird". Hummingbird is the one song of mine that kind of encompasses them all. It is a song about hope, love, fear, and cherishing each moment. As I was listening and talking about it with Francie, I realized how good it makes me feel to make music. One thing that people are always telling me is to write more upbeat songs or add a drumbeat to my music. Most people think that my music doesn't necessarily fit my personality on the outside. I tend to be very upbeat, energetic, "bubbly" if you will, and just kinda a quirky person I think. However, I think the people that truly know me, know that I've got a lot more thought that goes on in my head that isn't always portrayed on the outside. I've realized that music is my outlet. It lets me say everything I'm normally to scared to say. It's like my missing half and with it I feel so much more complete and well-rounded. It's my vulnerability. But my music is soft. It's mellow. It can have a somewhat majestic feel to it I suppose. And it's very raw. It's my way of allowing others to see inside. Without a guitar and pen and paper, I think I would be very shut off. So I am very thankful that I've been blessed with music and I now completely see one of its purposes in my life.

Some people may like my songs and others may not, but one thing I think I need to always remember is what do I like? What makes me feel good? And something I have come to find is that generally, if I feel one way and am able to portray that feeling in a song...there is someone else out there who will relate to it and know exactly what I am talking about. And that is what makes music matter. The connection. All I can hope for is that someone else hears it, gets it, and knows they aren't alone.

PS - the one CD in the world that I connect to the best is "A Bird Flies Out" by Deb Talan. That CD is the one that makes me believe I'm not alone. And that gives me hope.

Bicycles.

I say curse the car. It's big. It's initially costly. It continues to stay costly. It guzzles gas. Which in turn is costly. It can be tough to park. And there are simply too many of them in our world. As much as I really really enjoy taking long drives, I am cursing their existence. Living in PB has opened my eyes to an old fashioned way of life that I have embraced whole heartedly....the bicycle.

I have always loved riding bikes. I will never forget learning how to ride a 2-wheel bike in my old neighborhood. The thrill was immense as I took off and realized I was balancing on my own. It granted me this whole new freedom that I had never experienced before. That feeling never left me. I have always been the one wanting to ride bikes places. The one who wanted to get on some sort of moving machinery that challenged my body. The one who took chances. Bikes bring back so many incredible memories for me. Bikes remind me of family. The long rides we took together around Mission Bay. Bikes remind me of friends. The times we made dirt jumps for our BMX bikes. The times we attached a rope to the seat post and put someone on a skateboard and towed them behind. The times we road around the streets on each others bike pegs. Bikes remind me of laughter. Bikes remind me of the San Diego coastline. The many days I rode my road bike along the 101 with my dad and brothers. Bikes remind me good conversation. Bikes remind me of drinking...don't ask. And bikes remind me of hope. They remind me of the good days. They bring a feeling of nostalgia to my life and I love that.

I recently bought a super old beach cruiser (as previously stated in the last blog). I named it Ethel. Great name, I know. Every time I hop on that bike I am seriously in my happy place. It's like nothing else matters. Today I decided that I was going to hop on my bike and run all my errands. First stop...Ace Hardware (Dad, I hope you're proud). I bought some bungee chords then hopped on my bike and rode to Staples. There I bought printer ink (ps- why does it have to be so expensive? Ridiculous) and I bought a plastic crate. I then went out to Ethel and bungeed that crate to the back of my bike and hoped to goodness it would stay on. I cruised over to Wells Fargo and deposited some checks and then rode Trader Joes grocery store and got my necessities. I took purchased goods to my bike, they fit perfectly in the back crate, rode home with no accidents and was at total peace the whole time. There was no rush, no parking hassel, no idiots on the road, no radio, just total peace the whole time. Plus, there was so much more people watching! One thing I really appreciate about PB is the variety of people in the area. There is a little bit of everything. On my ride today I saw plenty of interesting tattoos, a 90 year old woman buying an exacto knife, a homeless guy playing drums on the street, another guy jammin on the guitar, families walking, plently of tourists, and people just havin a good time in the sunshine. So I say screw the car! Bring on the bike.

Riding my bike really does bring me to a simpler way of life that I love. It makes life seem easy. It makes me think. It makes me cherish the things and people around me. It makes life seem timeless and hopeful. So ditch your car for a few hours, go ride a bike, and let go of life. Hopefully you will be filled with the same joy that I feel.

The past 4 weeks...

Man, it has been quite some time! Life has been a whirlwind of excitement the past month and a half and I have been itching to blog about it. Sad, I know. I feel like the best thing to do in order to catch you all up would be a good ole fashion list. Everyone loves lists. So here we go:

1. Europe was amazing this summer. I feel so blessed that I got that opportunity to explore.

2. La Jolla Kayak didn't work out, but I am now working for San Diego Sol Basketball and that has been really good. I'm kind of working all over the place...working the door, coaching basketball camps, working in the cafe, and soon to be doing some photography for them.

3. Megan and Allie came to visit for a week and that was a blast! Disneyland was complete insanity and we saw Goofy throw a hissy-fit. I also must be old because the teacups made me incredible nauseous and "It's a Small World Afterall" creeped the hell outta me. I also forgot where I parked and hunted for about a half hour in the parking garage yelling for my car. (clearly I thought it was going to respond...)

4. I moved into my new apartment with Francdog! It has been absolutely amazing living in our precious lil apartment. All of our neighbors are so nice and the neighborhood is so much fun. Love Love Love it.

5. I really am addicted to fro yo and it's not a good thing.

6. I bought a SWEEEET old beach cruiser bike that is just phenomenal. Mom thinks it's the same bike that she got for Christmas when she was 10. haha. The plan is to fix it all up and make it purrty again. It really is very convenient having a bike where I live though because the parking is terrible. It is so nice being able to ride my bike to restaurants, bars, grocery store, errands, etc. Anything! I love it. And I would much rather get out and ride my bike than drive.

7. It has been incredible gloomy in San Diego this summer and I don't appreciate it. The sun FINALLY came out today and I about jumped outta my skin I was so excited!

8. Two weekends ago I flew back to Texas for a good friends wedding and it was great to be back again. I can't believe my friends are getting married! I had a somewhat crazy night Friday night when I got there and I found out that I am terrible at darts. Sad day. I also went to the Fort Worth Zoo for the first time and had a BLAST! It was amazing. I heard the lion roar, saw monkeys swing, gazed at massive creepy snakes, pet a goat, and saw the lion poop. Successful in my book. :-)It was a very very strange feeling being back in Fort Worth though. I still don't think it has completely hit me that I am not going to school there in the fall. Sometimes I seriously question if I am doing the right thing by transferring to SDSU, but I really think that I am making the right decision. It really is amazing how many things have just fallen into place since I have been back and how much better I feel about myself too. It's really strange actually. I miss my friends in Texas like none other though. That is really tough. Luckily I can count numerous times that I will be back in Fort Worth. So thats a plus!

9. My current undertaking is making a t-shirt quilt of all my old camp ozark shirts. So far so good! I have never made one before, so I'm hoping all goes well. If i can figure out how to thread my sewing machine maybe I'll actually start....minor detail. haha.

10. We met the neighbors on the other side of us Friday night....what an interesting night it was. Oversized straws, terrible accents, energy drinks, Typhoons, nerds, skipping, slip n slide at 3am, bed by 5am. Yikes. What a solid first night out.

11. I think that's all for now folks! I'm exhausted and need to get some sleep. Consider the blogging commenced again! I have missed it and i know you have too...right? ;-) Just wanted to give you an overview of life before I really began talking about serious topics...hahaha riiight.

Until tomorrow!

PS - SHARK WEEK! ugh, live it. love it. I'm fascinated. The End.