change and trust

"Sometimes an imbalance for love means a balance for life". - Eat, Pray, Love

Tonight I went to go see "Eat, Pray, Love" with some friends and I actually really enjoyed it. I went into it thinking it was just going to be another movie that was talked up way too much, when in reality it was quite informative and made me reflect a lot on myself. There were a lot of things that really hit home for me.

A lot of change has happened for me recently. I just transferred from TCU to SDSU my senior year of college. I just changed majors in December. I moved into a new apartment. And I didn't go to camp for the first time in 13 years. That's a lot of big change if you ask me. Transferring was something I had thought about every semester I was at TCU. I had a lot of frustrations with TCU and eventually got to a point where I was fed up with it. At the same time though, I had made some incredible friends. I don't regret my original decision to go to TCU. I truly think I went there for a reason and that I became a better person while in attendance. I had incredible experiences and a couple teachers that truly influenced me in a great way. I found who I am at TCU and I really don't think that would have happened if I had stayed in California for college. As much as I thrive on being different than other people, I still always felt slightly out of place at TCU and I could never pinpoint what exactly it was that made me feel that way. Deciding to transfer back to California was obviously a huge decision for me. It was risky, but I was up for the challenge. Since I have been back in San Diego a lot of things have indeed fallen into place. I feel better about myself, I love where I live, I love being close to family, a lot of connections and opportunities have opened up for me, and I love the active lifestyle that I didn't get in Fort Worth. But with all that said, this is probably one of the hardest times in my life. It has been a harder change that I honestly thought it would be. I miss my friends in Fort Worth. I miss dance parties in the kitchen. I miss my besties and I hanging out on one of our beds and just talking for hours. I miss getting scared at night and calling Megan or Allie to see if they will come sleep with me. I miss sitting in a baby pool in the backyard with a corona. Heck, I even miss Billy Bobs! There are a lot of things in Fort Worth that I wonder what could have happened. But here I am. In San Diego. Just trusting that I made the right decision and that God is going to open up this whole new life to me that is part of His wise (confusing if you ask me...) plan. It's hard. I'm not going to pretend like it isn't anymore. And I'm going to go ahead and assume that the next few months are going to be the same way. School will start, work will consume, and friends will come. Unless they think I'm some psycho that says y'all (very frowned upon here). Ultimately I came back to CA so I can get my teaching credential here, so that's what I should keep my focus on. I feel like the quote at the top of the page is one that I can relate to many different areas of my life right now. Love for music, love for people, love for learning, love for the outdoors, love for friends, love for family, and hopefully love for someone that's going to steal my heart. I'm seeking all of these things out of love, I am incredibly imbalanced, and it is quite unnerving. But screw life if it's balanced. It's never balanced and it shouldn't be completely balanced. How boring would that be? So I'm reminding myself that this discomfort, confusion, frustration, and doubting can actually in turn be a thriving and thrilling life to live. It's just a matter of seeing through the cloud and trusting that each of the next steps I take have their own purpose. That's all I can do. And hell freakin yea...it's hard. But I'm willing. My theme for the past year has been "day by day". And that is certainly how it is going to stay.

"Sometimes an imbalance for love means a balance for life". - Eat, Pray, Love